Diana Prince as the New Wonder Woman: Wonder Woman #7 (Early June, 2007)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Wonder Woman #7 (Early June, 2007)

Circe hung Tom Tresser off chains from the ceiling of the dusty Wonder Woman museum, and wrapped his body in serpents. The Amazing Amazon followed the trail, tore some snakes in half, beat up on Circe and got the old “we’re not so different/ you’re a killer deep down” speech. Circe then vanished into a mirror, leaving the princess to glare at her own cracked reflection. Yes, really. Wonder Woman freed Tressor, and even after just noting that he had lost a lot of blood from torture, she dropped him on the ground after a piggish comment for comedic effect. Afterward, fearing a hospital with her fugitive status (like she couldn’t drop him at an ER and fly out,) the princess broke into a veterinarian’s office to treat Tom’s wounds. Tom snacked on a dog biscuit. Wah-wah.

The pair returned to the Villains & Vixens Bar, a dive where super-villains get drunk in costume. A miscolored Brainiac, a Sivana with antennae, Psimon, Icicle, Ocean Master, Icicle and the rapist Dr. Light were all present. The Scarecrow was apparently not alone in loving the Jessica and Ashlee (Simpson) discs on the jukebox. Laughing yet? The dikey bartender was a big Wonder Woman fan. The princess found Circe hanging out in the bathroom, the pair fought, Catwoman apologized for interrupting, and Circe dove through another mirror, leaving Wonder Woman with her grim reflection again. This time, it turned out Sarge Steel and his storm troopers had a tracer planted in Tressor’s uniform the entire time, and used it to catch Wonder Woman in a trap. The princess went along quietly, only to be held without charge or representation until such time as she would be willing to turn over the secrets of her “Purple Death Ray.”

Meanwhile, Circe cut a deal with a mysterious entity to allow her entry to the dimensionally exiled Themyscira. “You may go… but for a price… Be aware: we may call in our marker anytime, anywhere.” Circe then cast a spell to resurrect the deceased Hippolyta.

"Love and Murder, Part 2" was by Jodi Picoult & Drew Johnson with Ray Snyder & Rodney Ramos.

When I first started writing in grade school, I had a teacher who got me to read my short stories in class. I gained an unearned reputation as a slasher film fan (although I later qualified,) and at the urging of fellow students, tried to write something about Freddy and Jason in complete ignorance. The only part of that thing I remember is Jason knocking off Freddy’s hat. My teacher read it, noted my obvious unfamiliarity with the subjects, and gave me a brief “write what you know” speech that has stuck with me ever since.

This comic reads like Jodi Picoult never got that speech. Worse, I think she was coached to reach a variety of editorially mandated plot points to set up a future risible crossover by other hands. In between those points are trite character moments that make no narrative sense. I mean, why don’t Sarge Steel and his team burst into the Wonder Woman Museum, where they already knew Tom had been taken? So that we could have the stupid little scene where Tom eats dog biscuits like Riggs in Lethal Weapon 3. The dialogue in this thing is also seriously cringe inducing. Stop. Just stop.

Brave New World