Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Inglorious Return of Biker Slut Wondy



The new Black Canary Wonder Woman costume debuted today, and we now know what happened to Brian Bolland's short-lived EXTREME '90s jacket & bike shorts get-up from when Diana was replaced by Artemis. It had indiscriminate fabric sex with Spider-Man's symbiote suit from Secret Wars, and brought the discarded accessories from Troia's first outfit along as party favors. It comes with The Phantom-riffing facial disfiguration threaded bracelets, a dainty tiara, inadequate spaghetti straps, a Whattaburger employee badge, a goth whore choker, a Phoenix belt her mom bought for her at a Southwestern roadside gift shop, and some o-ring boot straps Lita Ford was hawking on QVC. Kim Kardashian approves! I also really dig the way Wonder Woman's origin is now exactly like Superman, and how she punches the blood out of goons left and right. My heroine!

Honestly, no decent actress would ever want to be seen in public wearing the more familiar "costume" guys like Mike Deodato Jr. and Ed Benes implied while drawing acres of naked flesh. I believe it's time for a change, because good girls wouldn't dress that way, and bad girls wouldn't want to give folks the impression they were that good. If you're going to drag Jim Lee into this, why not have him essentially give Wonder Woman his usual treatment? Turn her thong into full leggings, hike up her boots over her knees, and extend her top to cover from her neck to her shoulders. That would get lots more positive attention, remain true to the character, and translate to film. Instead, she looks like a cougar stumbling out of a country & western bar in Shreveport. Coupled with the latest terrible reboot/continuity fart, I'll continue to stay away from this rancid book, thanks.

  • Notice to DC Comics: Stop letting Jim Lee design things. Anything. Seriously. His crimes against couture are countless. If Jim Lee were gay, he'd be fashion senseless gay, like Liberace or Richard Simmons. Let me count the ways is which Jim Lee (re)designing a character constitutes a hate crime in 17 states.
    1. Hush: Bandaged face, gloves, guns and a trench coat. Joker wept.
    2. Grifter: Rag on face,  plumbers gloves, laser guns and a trench coat.
    3. Union, Majestic: The men who would be Superman, if the Man of Steel traded in his diaper for bondage fetish gear. 7uperman, anyone?
    4. Wolverine: From earth-toned woodland hunter back to traffic sign yellow and metallic blue. I guess the kids prefer their homicidal maniacs more vibrantly attired.
    5. Hazard: A trench coat and a shotgun.
    6. Green Lantern Kyle Rayner: The dog collar. You know.
    7. Stormwatch: Describe any two of their costumes without there being any overlap.
    8. Psylocke: a.k.a. Elektra without being so overdressed.
    9. Equus: The thing with the ripped pants and the tubes and the pointy bits from that terrible Superman run.
    10. Zod: The one in black with all the spikes trying to make up for his micropenis from that terrible Superman run.
    11. Killer Croc: a.k.a. the Lizard without the distinctive lab coat and purple pants.
    12. Huntress: Street vigilante with an exposed abdomen and a square foot of face mask? 
    13. Dr. Doom: with the Jonah Hex flesh buckles.
    14. Gambit: A trench coat, headgear and speedo underwear. Inspired by Prince circa Dirty Mind?
    15. Omega Red: a.k.a. Colossus by way of tentacle porn with samurai hair.
    16. Warblade: a.k.a. Omega Red without the hentai and with a dye job.
    17. The X-Men: Everybody gets a bomber jacket and random useless buckles. Alternately, revised bee-colored school uniforms with butt floss, for girls and boys alike.
    18. Deathblow: A do-rag, jeans, no shirt and face paint that makes him feel pretty. Occasional trench coat.
    19. Divine Right: Describe a single character's costume from memory. Pizza boy delivery uniform doesn't count.
    20. The Punisher: Introduced Frank Castle to headbands and muscle shirts.
    21. Alpha Flight: Describe any of them without referencing the Canadian flag, straps or bomber jackets.
    22. WildC.A.T.S: Would benefit from association with Canadian flag. Fought the Brood and Ghost Rider in drag.
    23. Gen13: That should about do it, right?

11 comments:

mathematicscore said...

I for one am okay with the redesign, except for the Phantom riff, which is just dumb, and the retcon. It seems a little like it could be more Age of Apocalypse, and less Brand New Day (or whatever that spider-story was called) which could be okay. We'll just see. If he's totally just removed her from current continuity, I'll be a little pissed.

Back to Jim Lee, I think you've got a good point about his weaknesses, but I think there's quite a few that worked just fine. Grifter and the WildC.A.T.s have a place in my heart, as does that Superman arc (though I won't defend Zod's armor.) Finally, the Punisher and Deathblow work he did is A-ok with me.

But yeah, you're pretty much right.

Diabolu Frank said...

I like Lee's art, too. His costume/character design work? P.U.

I haven't heard a single right thing depicted regarding this run. Pass-a-roony for me.

E. Peterman said...

Every woman I've talked to about this says the outfit is hopelessly dated, so I don't know who told DC that it's "modern." And like you, I generally dig Jim Lee's art. I'll read it because it's Wondy, but ...

will_in_chicago said...

I am sorry, but I think that this costume does not so much inspire confidence or fear as make me wonder whose wardrobe Diana raided. Something more closely tied to the original costume would work better. (I do agree that the original costume has become the butt of some jokes. H owever, this Wonder Woman would not look out of place coming out of some of the bars I have driven past.)

Diabolu Frank said...

Will, Diana is totally going to be hunting for one of those bracelets in the bushes after a ladies' night bar crawl. The recent divorcée is sad like that.

E.P., I love how DC trotted out a sixty-something actress to give Wondy's near twenty-something years dated outfit the thumbs up as modern and liberated. Maybe she's just ahead of the upcoming '90s nostalgia curve. She maybe should have stuck with Calvin Klein jeans and pastels.

mathematicscore said...

Also, in JMS's little essay, he talks smack about the "Mod" look, but I think that was probably more "hip" than this. It seems with anybody other than Jim Lee drawing this it starts to suck harder and harder.

Diabolu Frank said...

I honestly haven't read a single JMS interview. Usually, I try to get the other side of an argument, but ever since I heard Paradise Island was getting destroyed again, I've completely checked out on his team. I only read fan reactions, because Lee, Didio, Johns, Kramer, etc. all sound like empty talking heads to me. Everyone's towing some party line for a movement that in no way interests me. Every time someone trashes Themyscira, it's like the latest dude marrying a serial monogamist mom pretty much disowning her kids. Amazons are part of the package, and if you can't accept that, go write something else. Meanwhile, there are the dudes who beat the kids, and I don't like the eye JMS is giving in that department. If a writer really wanted to get my attention, they'd announce that the Amazons were going to conquer the world in a benevolent dictatorship. Let's see the reaction to that!

will_in_chicago said...

I am not as familiar with JMS in comics as on Babylon 5, which I truly loved. I would hope that he would decide to be original. Having the Amazons trying to set up a global dictatorship and realize that there are problems they can't solve might not just be a good story but really allow some character development and growth. (It would also harken back to the theme of hubris which has been a problem for the Amazons in DC continuity.)

Diabolu Frank said...

JMS isn't a bad writer in general, but he also seems to be a legend in his own mind. He must think he's Alan Moore with his constant "Brave New World" high concept revisions, but he's really more of a Paul Jenkins or James Robinson. He can be very good, but is at least as often stupifyingly bad.

will_in_chicago said...

Every writer needs an editor who can state clearly when an idea is ridiculous, hackneyed, can be improved, or is fantastic. If you listen only to your own voice, your echo chamber won't tell you the truth.

LissBirds said...

You forgot to mention the "Michael Jackson" epaulets in your (quite lucid) description of her new getup. The jacket is bad enough...but epaulets?!